Fuck to Feel

To remind myself that I’m here, I fuck. To remind me of the power I have, I fuck. To remind myself of how great of a fuck I am, I fuck someone else instead of myself. 

I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want drama. I don’t care about your feelings and I don’t have enough feelings to care. 

I honestly hate attention. I don’t like all eyes on me. I’m confident, opinionated and strong. I’m a hardass. But I secretly second guess every move and facial expression I make, when I know others are watching. I don’t care about what people think of me. But I do care about what actions I displayed to get them to develop that perception of me. 

What a fucking contradiction I am.

I only have a soft spot for my child. Otherwise there are no feelings involved for me. Therefore, I fuck to feel. Have I ever had a soft spot? I don’t think so. My ex husband will tell you that I’m harsh. That I’m so tough. My teenage love will tell you I’m fucked up. I agree with them both. 

They’ll also tell you that I’m manipulative and the love of their life. They’ll say I’m the best fuck they ever had. I’ve only dated 4 people in my life. The consensus is mutual among them and the others I gave my nights to.