Mother…

If you asked me to describe her (her likes, dislikes, characteristics) I would be unable to. I honestly have no idea who she is and I’ve never known. 

I viewed her as weak and conforming when it came to men and I felt she allowed that to seep into motherhood. She didn’t stand up to the men in her life but felt the need to overpower me. In part I believe it was because she could see how strong I was as a person (despite my young age) and she was the complete opposite. It seemed she had a scued perception of me and never learned who I was or am. The tumultuous relationships she was in became and consumed her. And unfortunately I was there to see it all.

I literally could not take it anymore. I was 15 and over it. Of course my mother and I had gotten into another terrible pointless argument. She acted as if she was a dictator and any opinion given that was in contrast to hers was asinine. I’ve never sworn at her or called her out of her name. We had not gotten along since I was a toddler (and who knows if there’s any truth to that since I can’t recall). Our one sided fights were vicious and contributed to why we don’t have a relationship (among other things we’ll discuss later).

One may ask if I ever told my mother my  feelings in regards to seeing her in abusive relationships, being kept from my biological father (which we will address another time) and her treatment of me. And I’m proud to say I actually did. It was about 5 or 6 years ago now when things started getting serious between my ex and I. My ex was family man and still is. I admire that about him and I’m happy my daughter will be able to enjoy that with him and his side of the family. I was watching “Iyanla Changed My Life”and I was inspired to send my mother a message about my thoughts. It turned into a few lengthy messages.

All that I recall is her response was about 2 sentences long. Honestly, I was surprised that she responded at all. Needless to say, I didn’t bring it up after that.                                                                  I know I’m a strong willed, determined and straight forward person because I witnessed my mother be the opposite. At times I am too harsh and I’m fully aware and accepting of that. I just know that I don’t ever desire to be in the position I saw her in. Yet there was a point in my life where I was in a relationship that was  toxic and abusive on multiple levels. Once I left that relationship, I never looked back nor took shit from anyone regardless if I was intimate with them or not.

I don’t have a grudge against her, we just simply don’t have a relationship. I don’t blame her for anything because I am now an adult and a mother. She’s not a bad person. She’s just her.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to be perfectly clear. Do not allow a spouse, friend, acquaintance  and or family member to put their hands on you or make you feel less worthy. Do not vie for someone’s attention. Do not feel that you are responsible for someone else’s happiness because you’re not. If some people put the energy that they put in others into themselves, then we’d have a world full of better people. 

If you asked me to describe her (her likes, dislikes, characteristics) I would be unable to. I honestly have no idea who she is and I’ve never known.