Darkness

No one gives 2 fucks about me. Why? It’s bc no one really knows me. They like the idea of me. The parts of me that I put on display. But it’s never the full me. I’m not dumb enough to show that. So if someone says they care about me…it’s automatic doubt that pops into my head. They can’t care because they only know the part of me that I’ve shown. It’s not his or her fault, it’s mine. 

I numb myself. Through work, alcohol, shopping, smiles and sex. I shutdown easily. No one would know it because I’m manipulative. I have a temper. It’s not as bad as it once was, but it’s still there. 

People tell me what I want to hear. I hate that. I believe I’m pretty strong, as do they from what I told. So why is it so hard for people to tell me the truth? Perhaps that’s why I’m single. I don’t want fake friends, fake relationships, fake fucks, fake anything. 

I can get really dark. Darker than pitch black, darker than a starless sky. I’m not looking to be saved. It’s impossible. All I can do is be the best mother I can be. 

I dispose of people so easily. I get obsessed…then one thing goes wrong and I’m over it. My best friend told me this and he’s right. But I don’t go backwards. Once I’m done, I’m done. No second chances, no talking about it, no giving it time. I treat myself this way as well. Is it healthy? I don’t know. But it’s all I know.

If I feel like I’m not getting attention..I start battling myself. My lack of confidence rears it’s ugly head and reminds me of all of my downfalls. I start doubting people around me, but only in my head. I obsess over it until I find another distraction. Yes I use people, but I tell them ahead of time. Always.

I tell men and women not to love me or fall in love with me. I know how savage I am. I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

Boobs!

My heart is literally pounding. This is unbelievable. The same building where I wrote a letter about a boob job, I’m now on the phone 5 years later setting the date! I’m on hold, but I have butterflies in my stomach and I may be getting a headache!

 Yes I do love and embrace my body and sexuality, but this is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. Even when I stripped, I wanted boobs. I think the female body is beyond beautiful. Beautiful breasts are definitely a part of that for me. 

I can’t wait to wear all the clothes I couldn’t because they didn’t look right on me without anything to fill them with. I’m currently a 32A. The only time I had boobs was when I was breast feeding and I thought they were cute. 

I just received the phone call. August 20th at 7:30 am! My initial thought is I’m going to be miserable waking up so early. But it works out bc my daughter will still be asleep at her dad’s. Lauralie and I have discussed all week that mommy has to go to the Dr on Thursday. She’s excited about all of the visitors and play dates she’s going to have!

I’m excited and a little nervous just because I’ve never been under anesthesia before. I’m afraid of how I’ll feel. I’m also not fond of pain meds and I’ve been prescribed Oxi. I bought extra strength Tylenol since I’d prefer to use that. The other major thing I’m afraid of is not being in control. I don’t know how much help I’ll need or what I’ll be capable and incapable of doing. I know I’ll have plenty of help, but I have a control issue. If I can do it, then I’d rather do it myself. But I have to remind myself that doing chores isn’t worth ruining my boob job.

7:44 a.m, I’m fucking starving in the waiting room. Marquise sits next to me as we’re plotting on what I’m going to eat when I’m done. I can’t wait to see Lauralie and stuff my face!

The procedure was about an hour. I woke up feeling great. The first thing I was told was not to use my arms. That’s hard to do but I learned my lesson when I tried and winced in pain. Pain is my new companion. My chest, upper back and upper arms are sore. It feels like I worked out too hard while at the same time having an elephant sitting on my chest. Taking a deep breath is nearly impossible and I could cry at the thought of coughing or sneezing.

For the next few nights, I sleep about two hours at a time. I forfeited my SleepNumber bed for my blue couch and a fort of pillows. I take Tylenol during the day and pain pills at night. Honestly, I don’t think either does much but I don’t want to know what the pain would be without them. 

Day 6….it’s been a painful process, but nothing I can’t handle. I’m always impressed with what my body can do. Who knew opening a jar of salsa could almost bring me to tears! I’ve definitely learned my limits and I’m sticking to them. I had my post op appointment today, and the first thing my Dr said was not to put my nipple ring back in yet! I assured him I would wait for his OK. He said they looked great and let me know that I’d be wearing a “band” day in and day out for about 3 weeks. The band will help the implants “fall” into place. My next appointment will be in 6 weeks. 

Lauralie has been amazing throughout this process. So willing to help and easy going. I’m so grateful for my friends that stopped by and helped around my place and just came to check on me. I keep my circle small, and I appreciate everyone in it. 

My advice to others who want to get a boob job? Work on your abs first! You can’t use your arms for a few days so getting up after sitting/laying down is a challenge. Keep everything you need below eye level, so you have easy access to it. Have meals prepped ahead of time so all you have to do is heat them up. Even cutting my daughter’s chicken was a challenge! Get all of your prescriptions prior to  your surgery, so you’re good to go. Pillows will be your best friend. For me the more firm the pillow is, the better. I’m looking forward to being healed in a few weeks and seeing the progression. I’lll be sure to post before and after pictures in 3 months!

I go back to work tomorrow after 6 days off. I just got off the phone with my boss. She wants to make sure I’ll be fine and I tell her of course! I’ll be able to sit when needed and there’s no lifting necessary, so I’ll have no issues. The only thing I’m concerned about is what shirt I’m going to wear! 

Fuck to Feel

To remind myself that I’m here, I fuck. To remind me of the power I have, I fuck. To remind myself of how great of a fuck I am, I fuck someone else instead of myself. 

I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want drama. I don’t care about your feelings and I don’t have enough feelings to care. 

I honestly hate attention. I don’t like all eyes on me. I’m confident, opinionated and strong. I’m a hardass. But I secretly second guess every move and facial expression I make, when I know others are watching. I don’t care about what people think of me. But I do care about what actions I displayed to get them to develop that perception of me. 

What a fucking contradiction I am.

I only have a soft spot for my child. Otherwise there are no feelings involved for me. Therefore, I fuck to feel. Have I ever had a soft spot? I don’t think so. My ex husband will tell you that I’m harsh. That I’m so tough. My teenage love will tell you I’m fucked up. I agree with them both. 

They’ll also tell you that I’m manipulative and the love of their life. They’ll say I’m the best fuck they ever had. I’ve only dated 4 people in my life. The consensus is mutual among them and the others I gave my nights to. 

My New Normal Part 2


Now that we are  already halfway through 2020, I’ve been contemplating the world around me. When I wrote “My New Normal” 3MONTHS ago, I didn’t know what my future would look like. Yesterday, the mayor of Tampa made it a requirement to wear face masks in public that can be met with a fine if not obeyed. Social distancing is still heavily enforced (although I’ve seen some establishments do otherwise). 

My 2 year old Lauralie understands that I can’t leave the house without a mask and loves to help me put it on. She knows to stand on the designated social distancing stickers that she sees when we are waiting in line at the grocery store and in restaurants. Every week she tells me “Church is still closed again!” as well as “Disney is closed mommy, we can’t go!” She’s not upset anymore, it’s more of a fed up tone coming from her. I just tell her she’s right. When we pass a playground that has caution tape surrounding it, she points it out and let’s me know that it’s closed as well. 

As time continues to pass by, I’m realizing that this “New Normal” could be here to stay. But I also wonder if we as people were living in a unhealthy way from the start. We were careless when it came to gatherings of strangers in a concentrated area at concerts and sporting events and eating at buffets. We never thought to second guess it because that’s just how we did things. But let’s say the virus were to disappear today… Would we go back to “normal” and disregard masks and not be concerned with gatherings? Will we ever have a chance to find out?

My sisters turn 21 next month. We have no idea what the world will look like then. Will nightclubs and bars be open for them to visit?Do I need to buy them masks with their gifts since this is the new norm? I’m planning their birthday as best as I can, but the future is more unpredictable than one could have ever imagined.

Racism…Return to Sender

I remember watching the Furgeson riots on CNN in buffalo ny and my heart just breaking. I recall finally going to the store for no reason so I could get away from watching it on the TV screen. I couldn’t believe that what I read in history books in elementary school about the mid 1900’s was still a reality years later. Racism never died. How foolish I felt because I was shocked about the protests, riots and racist behavior. The question is, why would I be shocked? Yes I have dealt with racist people and I knew it was alive and well. But seeing it on TV and reading it in the news was too overwhelming for me. But I knew there was no getting away from it. Here we are years later and there’s more protests and rioting. Why? Because unfortunately, things have not changed. 

Some people ask why are African Americans are so angry since slavery ended years ago. It’s because the shackles may have physically come off (although our prison system is fucked but we will discuss that another time), but we are still shackled by racist’s all around us. They judge us, jail us, hurt us, degrade us, limit us and stifle us. Some of them are police officers, judges, bosses, coworkers and lawyers. Some of them lie to our faces about their beliefs and others show us their negative perception of us through their actions. These actions such as lies, abuse and death are why we are angry. And if you turn in the news it’s not just “us” who are angry, people of ALL races are over it.

Racism has never gone away. It’s simply repackaged and redelivered over and over again regardless of how many times we try to return it back to the sender. It’s not a package anyone wants, yet racism continues to be distributed everywhere. People are tired, as am I.

We have progressed so much as human beings and as a civilization. We are far from cavemen and cavewomen. We no longer etch our records in stone or hunt for food daily. Yet we are so behind when it comes to the human mind in regards to race, prejudice and judgement. How are we as people able to develop incredible technology, amazing athletes and beautiful smart minds…yet we can’t coexist amongst ourselves?

Is it a foreign concept that we are all human beings? That we all love, hurt, bleed and desire the same happiness and respect as everyone else? 

I was amazed at all of the love and support that has been encouraged and given to everyone amid the Coronavirus pandemic. I thought perhaps we as people developed more compassion, empathy love and gratefulness for one another. But this had reminded us that there are still terrible people all around us. Here we ALL are living through quarantine and dealing with a virus that has us changing our lifestyles in a million different ways. Yet we still have to worry about being judged by the color of our skin? That’s beyond  asinine.

Is it fair that I have to worry about every black man’s safety that I know and don’t know although I know men of all colors? Is it fair that I have to worry every black woman’s safety that I know and don’t know although I know women of all colors? Is it fair that I fear for them because of the ignorant thoughts and behaviors of some people who are not the same color as us? No it’s not fair. But life is no such thing. Still, that’s not as excuse. We are better than this. We are America the “supposed” land of the free. But we can’t be free if we are trapped by racism, violence and ignorance. 

Weeds

She wasn’t ready to end the game. She was addicted to the thrill, the chase, the stolen hidden moments. She was addicted to not knowing who may come around the corner or what may happen next. It was never about a “win” for her. She didn’t want the “trophy.” Too much maintenance and she had no time for that. She didn’t need an accolade. They both knew the truth. They were living it. 

All the outsiders could do was speculate. The outsiders looking in became fans to an extent. Whispers and scenarios thrown back and forth. The fans couldn’t get enough although they didn’t know what and or if it was. Their own perception was enough.

They were both off road in the fields of weeds and greenery. Lost amongst the trees and broken branches. Unable to be found by anyone accept when they wanted to make themselves visible and available. Then the unexpected happened. He tried to get on the road. He warned her, then he did it. But she wasn’t ready to end the game.

She stood there…speechless. Unable to process what he just did. The decision he just made seemingly unexpectedly. Unbeknownst to her she was used to it. Men taking extreme actions to rid themselves of her. She didn’t realize that she was that enticing and had such a strong hold on him as she had with others in her past. Yes, it was torturous for them to be in the same room together with anticipation constantly building. So close yet so far away. But once that fleeting moment came…it was game on.

Society tells us not to play the game. But are we as humans truly made for only one person? Is it possible? What are the boundaries in regards to interacting with other people? Is flirting or canoodling allowed and if so, how far is too far? Are there exceptions to the rules? 

There’s no way he can end the game. There are roads that are not developed yet. But the land that is there are fields with weeds and greenery, trees and broken branches. You can’t just unlearn a habit or behavior overnight. It takes hard work and time. The decision he made seems like a charade at this point. If the decision was honest and true, then the game would have never began. But it did. 

Now what…

May 7th

May 7th. I chose that date for my wedding because the weather would be mild and because 7 is my favorite number. My ex husband’s birthday is May 9th. Today is May 6th. 

Have you ever wanted something to bad, that the anticipation seems unbearable? That you begin to think it won’t happen? That’s a little of what I felt about waiting about a year and a half of the wedding. Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing for yourself or if you were doing it for others because society says so? I felt that way too about the wedding. 

 May 7th. Without this day, our amazing daughter would not have been born. My life would not be filled with the joy of motherhood. I would not be an ex wife. I would not have learned about a part of me that I didn’t know I had. Carrie Underwood’s song “What I Never Knew I Always Wanted” expresses how I feel pretty well. 

May 7th. This day now brings tears to my eyes. My father passed away on this day on my first wedding anniversary. My father who didn’t have the chance to raise me. My father who didn’t have a chance to meet his granddaughter. My father who was so excited to come to Florida for the birth. My father who I loved so much. As I write this through my tears that flow steadily now, I hate how cruel life can be. 

My smile is his. My sarcasm is his. My alcoholism (though controlled) is his. My loyalty is his. I like to pretend that he is still alive and well in upstate N.Y. That he’s having a few beers and listening to Michael Jackson all night with his new girlfriend of the week. I like to think that he will go to bed tonight with Skittles under his pillow in case his blood sugar drops too low. I like to think that when I have a chance I’ll call him and he’ll answer the phone and say “Hi baby girl”. 

May. 7th. Because of this fucking day, none of the above will happen. 

May 9th. Lauralie’s father was born. He is the man that will be her leader and example of who a man should be. November 24th. Lauralie’s paternal grandfather was born on this day. He is another man who will be a leader and an example for her. August 12th. My father was born. I will teach Lauralie about the leader and man he was. He will be another example for her. Only difference is, he resides in heaven.

Quarantine

Six weeks of quarantine. Looking back on it, I have more positives than negatives. But the gravity of the situation amazes me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d be possible to essentially shut down America and other countries around the world. It’s like something out of a movie. The first week I kept waking up throughout the night wondering if quarantine and COVID 19 were real. Then, week after week reality sunk in. 

I loved spending time with Lauralie. We did crafts, she became fully potty trained, I cooked and we spent a lot of time outside. It was great. Her schedule was the same between her father and I. Therefore not much changed for her, except for a little extra time with me. When I didn’t have her, I’d either go visit her, sleep and drink all day and getting grocery shopping done to prepare for her return. 

I ended up moving into a condo that I wanted for over a year at the very end of quarantine. I had ample time to move, clean and decorate. COVID training at work began earlier this week. It broke my heart to have to leave Lauralie and I missed her so much. It’s still an adjustment to go from having all of our days together, to going back to work. 

Working in a restaurant during the current pandemic will be interesting. We don’t know what’s going to happen. As our restaurant and beach prepare to open next week, there is a level of uncertainty. Will our new policies and procedures (including wearing face masks all shift) truly keep us safe? Will our normal business return? Will we become too busy and lose control due to our guest count restrictions? Will our staff be safe and happy?

Throughout these past few weeks, I think of what Lauralie’s childhood will be like moving forward. Will she be able to go to Disney as frequently as before? Will she ever be able to casually attend a concert or a fair? Will she know what a buffet is? Will she be able to experience sleepovers or know a world without face masks and head counts? At this point no one knows. 

My thoughts have also turned to people who have been devastated by COVID 19. Death has surrounded us. Lives have been lost. Jobs have been lost. Homes have been lost. Money and resources have become scarce for a lot of people. Fear has replaced smiles and disrupted families. My heart goes out to all. And I am grateful for our essential workers and  medical staff that have worked and sacrificed to keep America going.

With stay at home orders, I can only imagine how many people are finally forced to face their lives and themselves. No masks or shields available in that situation. No “beards”, makeup or jobs to run to in order to hide you from you. Only our authentic selves are on display whether we want them to be or not. I hope people have been able to do some soul searching and have taken time to realize what is truly important in their lives. 

I’ve learned how independent and how much of a loner I truly am. I’m grateful to have had time to spend with Lauralie and to be able to bask in the love and light of motherhood. I took the initiative to set up my apartment and put furniture together and set up some things on my own that I would have never done before. I cooked more than I have in years. I taught Lauralie to say her prayers every night. 

As I sit on my new blue couch, I wonder what the world holds next for all of us. I wonder what lasting impact this will have on ourselves, our children, the economy and our day to day lives. When, where and how will I vacation next? What will preschool be like for my daughter? Will she have a party for her 3rd birthday? All of our questions will be answered in time. Time heals all.  

Lauralie upset she couldn’t go into the park that she usually frequents on her bike ride.

My New Normal

It’s been exactly 1 week since my world was altered. I currently lay on the lounge chair by the pool that my ex husband and his neighbor gained access to. Most pools and playgrounds are closed all across America for the most part. They had his friend’s daughter go over the fence and unlock it from the inside. It’s their community pool so I’m only a little annoyed. At least we’re following the rule of 10 people or less since there’s only 5 of us. It’s nice to see the dads hanging out with their daughters in the pool as if the world is normal. But nothing about this past week is normal.

Throughout all of this, normalcy is all I want for Lauralie. Her dad has been working from home for over a week. I’ve been laid off for the same amount of time. I still drop her off to him in the evenings and pick her up in the morning (as if I was going to work). I keep her on the same schedule. My “weekend” with her is still Monday and Tuesday and he still has his Saturday and Sunday. 

Today is a special day, since he is usually off early on Fridays. I offered to watch her at his place while he worked from home. It went well. Lauralie and I stayed busy playing in her room and riding her Mercedes outside. We played with chalk and listened to Disney music. 

This Friday afternoon is not normal. But it will be our new normal for now. My heart goes out to all who have lost their traditional school year, their businesses, their financial stability and their sanity. 

I was excited for 2020. I started this blog, started my podcast “Mom’s Dirty Diary” and I was enjoying creating content and learning each week. Since the pandemic, I’m not able to connect with people like I wanted to in order to have them on the podcast with me. But I’m using this time to develop ideas that will be readily available when the 6 foot rule is over. I’m still enjoying writing for my blog.

I wake up every morning wondering if this is all real. Then I go out into the world and the reminders are everywhere. Traffic has been non existent. Uncertainty has been in abundance. My restaurant industry friends are more drunk than they have ever been, but at the same time, they’re taking time to work on improving themselves. I love to eat out at restaurants. It’s unreal that places (including mine) are closed for inside dining and/or closed all together. There is no happy hour to go with friends to. Mall and shopping plaza parking lots are absent of cars and people. Lauralie asks to go to Disney and I tell her it’s closed. 

I realize I’ve taken for granted the access that we have to bars, restaurants, pools, parks and entertainment venues. I’ve never thought twice about flying or going to a concert or taking Lauralie to the bounce house. I’ve taken for granted running to the grocery store after 11pm for what I need, and it actually being there. In essence, it seems I’ve taken for granted my way of life.

On the other side of things, I am grateful about decisions that I’ve made in my life. I could be unhappy with life already (like some people are). If that was the case, this stay home order would be an absolute nightmare. I would be forced to face my unhappiness with myself and the situation. I love Florida and my home and those I surround myself with. 

What have I learned from all of this? As my tattoo says “Cherish Life”. I will cherish every little detail from now on. 

My biggest fear is getting the Corona Virus. Not because of what may happen to my body (the fever, physical pain, etc). But I’m terrified of having to quarantine away from my daughter. I can’t fathom the thought of being away from her. Therefore, I’m doing everything I can to keep her and I safe.

Forbidden Fruit

What do you do when you know right from wrong, yet you continue to indulge in the fruit? People always ask how can something so bad taste so good? Is it the feeling of your heart racing or the euphoria you feel while tasting it? Is it the feeling of being on a rollercoaster when you’re actually on land?

You know better. You’re smart. You practice what you preach (usually). So why is this situation different? 

As you start to pick the fruit, you don’t tell your friends because you feel guilty. But if you feel this way, then why are you doing it in the first place? Why do you dare to touch the fruit and gather it at all?

You’re already craving something you have yet to taste. You’re wondering how your palate will handle it. Will it be everything you imagined? Will this flavor be your new favorite? 

You keep trying to rationalize it to yourself. Play different scenarios through your mind. Thinking of different outcomes. Somehow you know what the end result is, because that’s the only result it can be. But you still choose to try the fruit anyway…..

Each text, snap, phone call is a little dose of the drug that I need to level me out. 

I’m scared because I know my body will betray me. My feelings and emotions are too intense. I’m already obsessing over it. I never want to say goodbye; but I know it has to be done. Just like our goodbyes in a few months. I don’t mind waiting weeks to finally see you, because I’m scared of saying goodbye in person. 

I have this abnormal desire of wanting to satisfy you however I can. That’s dangerous. But there’s nothing I can do for you. I’m on the other side of the country. You have this control over me that I have never experienced with anyone else in my life. I’m scared. You’re a drug that I forgot I loved and was addicted to over 10 years ago. Now it’s happening all over again. 

If I lived closer….it’d be game over. There would be pure reckless behavior taking place. I’m scared to trust you. But I know when I see you, I won’t want to let you go. But we’ll have no choice but to go back to our sober lives. Perhaps I won’t see you.

Do I use this time to prepare myself for the final goodbye? Or do I hope there’s a perfect solution that we have yet to discover?

I’m slowly accepting the fact that I don’t know as much about myself as I thought I did. I’ve literally blocked out years of my life trying to get over you and forget the bad times that we had. I overdosed on you, then quit cold turkey. I didn’t know that during that overdose, I began blocking out parts of myself along with major life events that have shaped me. Now what?