My New Normal Part 2


Now that we are  already halfway through 2020, I’ve been contemplating the world around me. When I wrote “My New Normal” 3MONTHS ago, I didn’t know what my future would look like. Yesterday, the mayor of Tampa made it a requirement to wear face masks in public that can be met with a fine if not obeyed. Social distancing is still heavily enforced (although I’ve seen some establishments do otherwise). 

My 2 year old Lauralie understands that I can’t leave the house without a mask and loves to help me put it on. She knows to stand on the designated social distancing stickers that she sees when we are waiting in line at the grocery store and in restaurants. Every week she tells me “Church is still closed again!” as well as “Disney is closed mommy, we can’t go!” She’s not upset anymore, it’s more of a fed up tone coming from her. I just tell her she’s right. When we pass a playground that has caution tape surrounding it, she points it out and let’s me know that it’s closed as well. 

As time continues to pass by, I’m realizing that this “New Normal” could be here to stay. But I also wonder if we as people were living in a unhealthy way from the start. We were careless when it came to gatherings of strangers in a concentrated area at concerts and sporting events and eating at buffets. We never thought to second guess it because that’s just how we did things. But let’s say the virus were to disappear today… Would we go back to “normal” and disregard masks and not be concerned with gatherings? Will we ever have a chance to find out?

My sisters turn 21 next month. We have no idea what the world will look like then. Will nightclubs and bars be open for them to visit?Do I need to buy them masks with their gifts since this is the new norm? I’m planning their birthday as best as I can, but the future is more unpredictable than one could have ever imagined.

Racism…Return to Sender

I remember watching the Furgeson riots on CNN in buffalo ny and my heart just breaking. I recall finally going to the store for no reason so I could get away from watching it on the TV screen. I couldn’t believe that what I read in history books in elementary school about the mid 1900’s was still a reality years later. Racism never died. How foolish I felt because I was shocked about the protests, riots and racist behavior. The question is, why would I be shocked? Yes I have dealt with racist people and I knew it was alive and well. But seeing it on TV and reading it in the news was too overwhelming for me. But I knew there was no getting away from it. Here we are years later and there’s more protests and rioting. Why? Because unfortunately, things have not changed. 

Some people ask why are African Americans are so angry since slavery ended years ago. It’s because the shackles may have physically come off (although our prison system is fucked but we will discuss that another time), but we are still shackled by racist’s all around us. They judge us, jail us, hurt us, degrade us, limit us and stifle us. Some of them are police officers, judges, bosses, coworkers and lawyers. Some of them lie to our faces about their beliefs and others show us their negative perception of us through their actions. These actions such as lies, abuse and death are why we are angry. And if you turn in the news it’s not just “us” who are angry, people of ALL races are over it.

Racism has never gone away. It’s simply repackaged and redelivered over and over again regardless of how many times we try to return it back to the sender. It’s not a package anyone wants, yet racism continues to be distributed everywhere. People are tired, as am I.

We have progressed so much as human beings and as a civilization. We are far from cavemen and cavewomen. We no longer etch our records in stone or hunt for food daily. Yet we are so behind when it comes to the human mind in regards to race, prejudice and judgement. How are we as people able to develop incredible technology, amazing athletes and beautiful smart minds…yet we can’t coexist amongst ourselves?

Is it a foreign concept that we are all human beings? That we all love, hurt, bleed and desire the same happiness and respect as everyone else? 

I was amazed at all of the love and support that has been encouraged and given to everyone amid the Coronavirus pandemic. I thought perhaps we as people developed more compassion, empathy love and gratefulness for one another. But this had reminded us that there are still terrible people all around us. Here we ALL are living through quarantine and dealing with a virus that has us changing our lifestyles in a million different ways. Yet we still have to worry about being judged by the color of our skin? That’s beyond  asinine.

Is it fair that I have to worry about every black man’s safety that I know and don’t know although I know men of all colors? Is it fair that I have to worry every black woman’s safety that I know and don’t know although I know women of all colors? Is it fair that I fear for them because of the ignorant thoughts and behaviors of some people who are not the same color as us? No it’s not fair. But life is no such thing. Still, that’s not as excuse. We are better than this. We are America the “supposed” land of the free. But we can’t be free if we are trapped by racism, violence and ignorance. 

Weeds

She wasn’t ready to end the game. She was addicted to the thrill, the chase, the stolen hidden moments. She was addicted to not knowing who may come around the corner or what may happen next. It was never about a “win” for her. She didn’t want the “trophy.” Too much maintenance and she had no time for that. She didn’t need an accolade. They both knew the truth. They were living it. 

All the outsiders could do was speculate. The outsiders looking in became fans to an extent. Whispers and scenarios thrown back and forth. The fans couldn’t get enough although they didn’t know what and or if it was. Their own perception was enough.

They were both off road in the fields of weeds and greenery. Lost amongst the trees and broken branches. Unable to be found by anyone accept when they wanted to make themselves visible and available. Then the unexpected happened. He tried to get on the road. He warned her, then he did it. But she wasn’t ready to end the game.

She stood there…speechless. Unable to process what he just did. The decision he just made seemingly unexpectedly. Unbeknownst to her she was used to it. Men taking extreme actions to rid themselves of her. She didn’t realize that she was that enticing and had such a strong hold on him as she had with others in her past. Yes, it was torturous for them to be in the same room together with anticipation constantly building. So close yet so far away. But once that fleeting moment came…it was game on.

Society tells us not to play the game. But are we as humans truly made for only one person? Is it possible? What are the boundaries in regards to interacting with other people? Is flirting or canoodling allowed and if so, how far is too far? Are there exceptions to the rules? 

There’s no way he can end the game. There are roads that are not developed yet. But the land that is there are fields with weeds and greenery, trees and broken branches. You can’t just unlearn a habit or behavior overnight. It takes hard work and time. The decision he made seems like a charade at this point. If the decision was honest and true, then the game would have never began. But it did. 

Now what…

May 7th

May 7th. I chose that date for my wedding because the weather would be mild and because 7 is my favorite number. My ex husband’s birthday is May 9th. Today is May 6th. 

Have you ever wanted something to bad, that the anticipation seems unbearable? That you begin to think it won’t happen? That’s a little of what I felt about waiting about a year and a half of the wedding. Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing for yourself or if you were doing it for others because society says so? I felt that way too about the wedding. 

 May 7th. Without this day, our amazing daughter would not have been born. My life would not be filled with the joy of motherhood. I would not be an ex wife. I would not have learned about a part of me that I didn’t know I had. Carrie Underwood’s song “What I Never Knew I Always Wanted” expresses how I feel pretty well. 

May 7th. This day now brings tears to my eyes. My father passed away on this day on my first wedding anniversary. My father who didn’t have the chance to raise me. My father who didn’t have a chance to meet his granddaughter. My father who was so excited to come to Florida for the birth. My father who I loved so much. As I write this through my tears that flow steadily now, I hate how cruel life can be. 

My smile is his. My sarcasm is his. My alcoholism (though controlled) is his. My loyalty is his. I like to pretend that he is still alive and well in upstate N.Y. That he’s having a few beers and listening to Michael Jackson all night with his new girlfriend of the week. I like to think that he will go to bed tonight with Skittles under his pillow in case his blood sugar drops too low. I like to think that when I have a chance I’ll call him and he’ll answer the phone and say “Hi baby girl”. 

May. 7th. Because of this fucking day, none of the above will happen. 

May 9th. Lauralie’s father was born. He is the man that will be her leader and example of who a man should be. November 24th. Lauralie’s paternal grandfather was born on this day. He is another man who will be a leader and an example for her. August 12th. My father was born. I will teach Lauralie about the leader and man he was. He will be another example for her. Only difference is, he resides in heaven.

Quarantine

Six weeks of quarantine. Looking back on it, I have more positives than negatives. But the gravity of the situation amazes me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d be possible to essentially shut down America and other countries around the world. It’s like something out of a movie. The first week I kept waking up throughout the night wondering if quarantine and COVID 19 were real. Then, week after week reality sunk in. 

I loved spending time with Lauralie. We did crafts, she became fully potty trained, I cooked and we spent a lot of time outside. It was great. Her schedule was the same between her father and I. Therefore not much changed for her, except for a little extra time with me. When I didn’t have her, I’d either go visit her, sleep and drink all day and getting grocery shopping done to prepare for her return. 

I ended up moving into a condo that I wanted for over a year at the very end of quarantine. I had ample time to move, clean and decorate. COVID training at work began earlier this week. It broke my heart to have to leave Lauralie and I missed her so much. It’s still an adjustment to go from having all of our days together, to going back to work. 

Working in a restaurant during the current pandemic will be interesting. We don’t know what’s going to happen. As our restaurant and beach prepare to open next week, there is a level of uncertainty. Will our new policies and procedures (including wearing face masks all shift) truly keep us safe? Will our normal business return? Will we become too busy and lose control due to our guest count restrictions? Will our staff be safe and happy?

Throughout these past few weeks, I think of what Lauralie’s childhood will be like moving forward. Will she be able to go to Disney as frequently as before? Will she ever be able to casually attend a concert or a fair? Will she know what a buffet is? Will she be able to experience sleepovers or know a world without face masks and head counts? At this point no one knows. 

My thoughts have also turned to people who have been devastated by COVID 19. Death has surrounded us. Lives have been lost. Jobs have been lost. Homes have been lost. Money and resources have become scarce for a lot of people. Fear has replaced smiles and disrupted families. My heart goes out to all. And I am grateful for our essential workers and  medical staff that have worked and sacrificed to keep America going.

With stay at home orders, I can only imagine how many people are finally forced to face their lives and themselves. No masks or shields available in that situation. No “beards”, makeup or jobs to run to in order to hide you from you. Only our authentic selves are on display whether we want them to be or not. I hope people have been able to do some soul searching and have taken time to realize what is truly important in their lives. 

I’ve learned how independent and how much of a loner I truly am. I’m grateful to have had time to spend with Lauralie and to be able to bask in the love and light of motherhood. I took the initiative to set up my apartment and put furniture together and set up some things on my own that I would have never done before. I cooked more than I have in years. I taught Lauralie to say her prayers every night. 

As I sit on my new blue couch, I wonder what the world holds next for all of us. I wonder what lasting impact this will have on ourselves, our children, the economy and our day to day lives. When, where and how will I vacation next? What will preschool be like for my daughter? Will she have a party for her 3rd birthday? All of our questions will be answered in time. Time heals all.  

Lauralie upset she couldn’t go into the park that she usually frequents on her bike ride.

My New Normal

It’s been exactly 1 week since my world was altered. I currently lay on the lounge chair by the pool that my ex husband and his neighbor gained access to. Most pools and playgrounds are closed all across America for the most part. They had his friend’s daughter go over the fence and unlock it from the inside. It’s their community pool so I’m only a little annoyed. At least we’re following the rule of 10 people or less since there’s only 5 of us. It’s nice to see the dads hanging out with their daughters in the pool as if the world is normal. But nothing about this past week is normal.

Throughout all of this, normalcy is all I want for Lauralie. Her dad has been working from home for over a week. I’ve been laid off for the same amount of time. I still drop her off to him in the evenings and pick her up in the morning (as if I was going to work). I keep her on the same schedule. My “weekend” with her is still Monday and Tuesday and he still has his Saturday and Sunday. 

Today is a special day, since he is usually off early on Fridays. I offered to watch her at his place while he worked from home. It went well. Lauralie and I stayed busy playing in her room and riding her Mercedes outside. We played with chalk and listened to Disney music. 

This Friday afternoon is not normal. But it will be our new normal for now. My heart goes out to all who have lost their traditional school year, their businesses, their financial stability and their sanity. 

I was excited for 2020. I started this blog, started my podcast “Mom’s Dirty Diary” and I was enjoying creating content and learning each week. Since the pandemic, I’m not able to connect with people like I wanted to in order to have them on the podcast with me. But I’m using this time to develop ideas that will be readily available when the 6 foot rule is over. I’m still enjoying writing for my blog.

I wake up every morning wondering if this is all real. Then I go out into the world and the reminders are everywhere. Traffic has been non existent. Uncertainty has been in abundance. My restaurant industry friends are more drunk than they have ever been, but at the same time, they’re taking time to work on improving themselves. I love to eat out at restaurants. It’s unreal that places (including mine) are closed for inside dining and/or closed all together. There is no happy hour to go with friends to. Mall and shopping plaza parking lots are absent of cars and people. Lauralie asks to go to Disney and I tell her it’s closed. 

I realize I’ve taken for granted the access that we have to bars, restaurants, pools, parks and entertainment venues. I’ve never thought twice about flying or going to a concert or taking Lauralie to the bounce house. I’ve taken for granted running to the grocery store after 11pm for what I need, and it actually being there. In essence, it seems I’ve taken for granted my way of life.

On the other side of things, I am grateful about decisions that I’ve made in my life. I could be unhappy with life already (like some people are). If that was the case, this stay home order would be an absolute nightmare. I would be forced to face my unhappiness with myself and the situation. I love Florida and my home and those I surround myself with. 

What have I learned from all of this? As my tattoo says “Cherish Life”. I will cherish every little detail from now on. 

My biggest fear is getting the Corona Virus. Not because of what may happen to my body (the fever, physical pain, etc). But I’m terrified of having to quarantine away from my daughter. I can’t fathom the thought of being away from her. Therefore, I’m doing everything I can to keep her and I safe.

Forbidden Fruit

What do you do when you know right from wrong, yet you continue to indulge in the fruit? People always ask how can something so bad taste so good? Is it the feeling of your heart racing or the euphoria you feel while tasting it? Is it the feeling of being on a rollercoaster when you’re actually on land?

You know better. You’re smart. You practice what you preach (usually). So why is this situation different? 

As you start to pick the fruit, you don’t tell your friends because you feel guilty. But if you feel this way, then why are you doing it in the first place? Why do you dare to touch the fruit and gather it at all?

You’re already craving something you have yet to taste. You’re wondering how your palate will handle it. Will it be everything you imagined? Will this flavor be your new favorite? 

You keep trying to rationalize it to yourself. Play different scenarios through your mind. Thinking of different outcomes. Somehow you know what the end result is, because that’s the only result it can be. But you still choose to try the fruit anyway…..

Each text, snap, phone call is a little dose of the drug that I need to level me out. 

I’m scared because I know my body will betray me. My feelings and emotions are too intense. I’m already obsessing over it. I never want to say goodbye; but I know it has to be done. Just like our goodbyes in a few months. I don’t mind waiting weeks to finally see you, because I’m scared of saying goodbye in person. 

I have this abnormal desire of wanting to satisfy you however I can. That’s dangerous. But there’s nothing I can do for you. I’m on the other side of the country. You have this control over me that I have never experienced with anyone else in my life. I’m scared. You’re a drug that I forgot I loved and was addicted to over 10 years ago. Now it’s happening all over again. 

If I lived closer….it’d be game over. There would be pure reckless behavior taking place. I’m scared to trust you. But I know when I see you, I won’t want to let you go. But we’ll have no choice but to go back to our sober lives. Perhaps I won’t see you.

Do I use this time to prepare myself for the final goodbye? Or do I hope there’s a perfect solution that we have yet to discover?

I’m slowly accepting the fact that I don’t know as much about myself as I thought I did. I’ve literally blocked out years of my life trying to get over you and forget the bad times that we had. I overdosed on you, then quit cold turkey. I didn’t know that during that overdose, I began blocking out parts of myself along with major life events that have shaped me. Now what?

Teachable Not Terrible Two’s

Terrible twos? I don’t believe in them. Every child is teachable. Lauralie is already opinionated, independent and loves to be in control. She’s also the best movie narrator I’ve ever met.   

We start our mornings with her telling me to wake up and literally opening my eyes. She tells me she’s “going potty” and that she’ll be back. I help her wipe and wash her hands. We return to my bed or hers and discuss our plans for the day. Her favorite suggestions are going to the playground, going to Disney or going to the store (which really means the mall’s play area). We brush our teeth and start our day.

She will either eat pancakes or waffles with fruit for breakfast. We turn on toddler songs and have dance parties, unless she decides she’d like to watch a movie instead. Everything we do, I discuss with her. I believe this is what has contributed to her speaking so well. I’ve never been fond of “baby talk”. I’m proud when she says “please” and “thank you” without me asking. Hearing her say she’s “so happy” and that she loves me “so much” makes my heart smile. 

She loves to paint her nails and mine. She enjoys books and playing her drums. Playing catch is a new hobby for her. Lauralie knows what she wants and doesn’t want. She has no problem making it clear. I didn’t like the idea of my child saying “no” constantly, so I taught her to say “no thank you” instead. If I tell her no, I explain why. I think doing that will help her understand concepts and cause and effect as she grows up. 

For example, I ask her if she needs to use the bathroom and she’ll either respond with “yes” or “no thank you, no pee in pull up”. If I’m telling her to listen to me and she doesn’t, then after a while I’ll tell her she has to go in time out. She’ll respond by saying “OK, I’ll go sit on mommy’s floor” or “Lauralie’s not being nice…sorry.”  It amazes me every time. But it shows she understands what’s going on. I do my best to remain consistent. If there is new behavior, then her father and I discuss it. 

This afternoon, she started saying “gimme”. I’m not sure where she learned the word but it doesn’t matter. I told her to replace that word with “can I have it please”. She’s done well so far this evening. And of course I discussed it with her father for consistency.

Lauralie likes to know what’s going on around her at all times. She’ll ask where we are if it’s unfamiliar. She’ll ask “what happened” on TV if she doesn’t understand. She wants to know “why is the baby crying” when she sees that happen in public. Her curiosity is beautiful and keeps me on my toes.

If she notices my hands are cold, she’ll offer me a blanket and socks. When I say I have to go to work, she insists on getting my work shirt and helping me put on my work sneakers. When we go to dinner, she always pulls out my chair and tells me to sit down. I always accept her help and thank her. 

We do everything together. She’s well behaved although she neglects naps. Lauralie is self sufficient and enjoys her independence. If there’s a button to push, a door to close, a mess to clean up or a movie to turn on she will do it on her own. If she needs help, she will specifically ask for it or show me what the problem is, if she’s unable to express it. Seeing her succeed in her actions are rewarding for her father and I. It reminds us that we are teaching her well.

When it comes to bed time, she likes to sleep in her Minnie Mouse bed. She asks me to “put fire on the candle” and turn the lights off. Lauralie has me hold her hand while she’s in her bed until she falls asleep. Those are the moments when I reflect on being a mother and being grateful for her. When it came to her sleeping in her room at her father’s house, I would visit her around bedtime. I would help her relax and get ready for bed. I’d lay with her until she fell asleep. It took a few weeks for her to do it in her own, but she finally got the hang of it. 

During my pregnancy, I told myself that I needed to improve so I can be a great mother to her. I think my actions through now, because I know I’m setting an example for her.  She already has my sass and determination. She has her father’s charm and big heart. Watching Lauralie grow up is simply beautiful. I enjoy every moment with her and I’m beyond blessed to be her mother. 

Sugar


What do you think of a “sugar” relationship? That’s the question he asked me before I went on stage. I thought maybe I misheard him. I got on stage in shock. Should I be offended? Should I be honored? Did I hear him right? Those are the questions that ran through my head as I seductively completed my 3 songs. He came and tipped me and told me we’d finish the discussion tomorrow as he handed me a drink. He had to get back to work. 

“Ladies!” I ran in the dressing room to tell my girls. “Guess what he just asked me?!” I said to them. They couldn’t guess and I didn’t have the patience for them to do so. I told them. They all agreed if I felt comfortable with him then I should do it. I’d never seen him outside of work and I never even gave him a lap dance before. How would I know if I was comfortable? And what did he expect? I had too many questions.

Tomorrow came and I was nervous to see him. He was a business man. Very smart, always well dressed with a nice tie and slacks and well spoken. Yes, he was very handsome. He had an ex wife and 2 kids. He was over 10 years my senior.

He greeted me with my favorite drink at the time (Malibu with pineapple juice and a splash of grenadine). He asked me again. “What do you think of a sugar relationship?” I sipped my drink and asked what that would entail. He told me that was up to me. I told him I needed more details since it was his idea. He said he simply wanted to spend time with me and pay me for it. I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. I told him I wanted what he expected of me in writing and that we could get coffee the next week and go over it. It was my first time and I wanted to be sure I fully understood.

We met at a Starbucks a few days later. He had his list in hand. He also brought a visa gift card with him as well. He gave me the gift card   and the list. He wanted me to sleep with him, accompany him on trips and go on dates. I  could do these things as often or as little as I wanted. He would pay me using Visa Giftcards (I’m not sure why). He would still visit me at the club as well. 

I thought about it for a week and when I was sure, I answered him. I wrote “yes” on the paper he had given me. I wasn’t sure what to expect. We had known each other for about 6 months. I thought of us as good friends although he was older. We connected intellectually and I loved that. Plus, I found him attractive.

I’m a foodie so we went out to eat a lot. He always greeted me with flowers. I truly enjoyed spending time with him and I honestly felt bad that he was paying me to do so. But he had the money to spend and of course I wanted it, so it worked out. 

The first time I was to sleep with him was awkward. He got a hotel room (since he lived 45 mins away) and he had flowers and wine set up in the room before I arrived. He was sweet. Too sweet. The whole situation felt awkward to me. I got the impression that he loved me once I finally thought about it. But I wanted to try it, so I did it. 

After that, I kept it strictly platonic. He was affectionate and I wasn’t fond of it. I didn’t want love or complications. We would go out for lunch and that was all. I didn’t end up going out of town with him because I didn’t want to share a bed with him. He understood. 

You never know what you would do until the opportunity is presented to you. I was surprised I couldn’t do it (with him). But it still worked out for both of us. He simply enjoyed my company. I would’ve spent time with him for free if he had asked. Don’t ever do anything you feel uncomfortable with, regardless of the price.

I’ve partaken in other successful “sugar” relationships after that. We’ll discuss later. A lot of those relationships take place because people are lonely and they feel that they have to pay for company. That breaks my heart.

Failed Attempts

“If you’re going to do it, then you cut up and down. Not across the wrist.” I still have a small scar going diagonally on my wrist. The others have faded. 

Even if I did it, it wouldn’t matter. She’s literally given me the instructions on how to get the job done. And she’s still the same callous person throughout the whole ordeal. I finally realized that if I went through with it, then she would win. She didn’t want to see me happy or succeed. And me being gone would fulfill her wishes. 

The air in the household was saturated with hate, jealousy, secrets and abuse. It seemed easier to live with it, rather than ask for help. At least I knew what was coming day to day. If I told, then it would be out in the open and I wouldn’t know what to expect. “Whatever goes on in this house, stays in this house.” A line I won’t ever forget. 

If you put manipulative, abusive and deceitful behavior on display, then of course you think it’s ok. So why would I ask for help from people like that? Your practice of the inappropriate behavior is condoning it at the same time.

Being around 7 years old, I was made to feel that the molestation was my fault. Since I was made to feel guilty, I didn’t want to tell for fear of getting in trouble. Not being believed never crossed my mind. When I was a young teen, the violation recommenced. 

I was told that I dressed too provocatively. I was told that it didn’t matter because it wasn’t truly blood. I was told that other people do it all the time. I was told that I would be in the wrong if it came to light. I was told that since I was a virgin, it didn’t really matter. 

When I was in college, it happened again. Unbeknownst to my attacker, I knew the behavior of silence and blocking things out. So it happened and nothing came of it.

I never thought I was wrong. I assumed it was just something that happened in life from time to time. I knew it wasn’t OK, but I didn’t understand the severity of it until I spoke it out loud to two guys that I dated years later. Seeing the anger in their face and their desire for retaliation scared me. I made them promise to never speak of it or do anything about it. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting hurt or going to jail because of me. 

I attempted suicide 3 times. Twice by cutting my wrists and a third by ingestion. Did I think it was a cry for help? No. Was I unsure about following through? No. Was I disappointed when I realized I was still here? Yes.

I wanted to succeed simply because I was over it. I was sick of keeping secrets and not being in control of my mind or body. I was sick of playing the role of who everyone around me wanted me to be. I was sick of covering for others. I was sick of being a scapegoat and a victim.

Once I was in my late teens, I gained the control I wanted over my life and I never had those thoughts again. I was able to actually live. I was safe. If I didn’t like someone in my life, I’d simply remove them and forget about them. I’m a master at blocking things out and this helped me a lot. It may not be the best tactic, but it has worked well enough for me. I keep my circle very small. It’s less room for disappointment and hurt. 

If you or someone you know are being abused or molested, I’m reassuring you that it’s not your fault. No lie can change the truth. Blocking out the situation won’t change it. Enabling the behavior by staying quiet or not helping isn’t right either. Violating someone is not OK under any circumstances.

If you’re reading this and you’ve entertained suicidal thoughts, please stop. I know it’s not easy. Find something to look forward to day by day or week by week. Make those hard choices that will help you regain control over your life. Seek help. Do whatever you can to stay here. You were given life for a reason. Do not intentionally cut it short.

How have these Unpoetic Teenage Thoughts shaped me today? I don’t trust easily. It’s hard for me to give. If someone has hurt me, I have to remove them immediately and I won’t look back. I’m much stronger than I used to be mentally, but there is always work to be done. 

As an adult, I’m an “all or nothing” type of person. For example, I don’t like affection but I enjoy sex. It’s like if you’re going to touch me, then fuck me. Otherwise, don’t touch me at all.  I like everything in black and white. No blurred lines, no exceptions. It’s the blurred lines that can make things dangerous. 

When there is something I do enjoy, I secretly become obsessed with it. I sometimes feel guilty for being happy. I’m not sure how to fully explain why. 

I want to tell my daughter about all of my experiences through life, regardless of they are good or bad. I’d like her to know that she can trust me and tell me absolutely anything. I want you and her to learn from my experiences and mistakes.

Select the sub categories located under “Unpoetic Teenage Thoughts” after reading it, to follow the journey with me back into parts of my teenage mind.