Darkness

No one gives 2 fucks about me. Why? It’s bc no one really knows me. They like the idea of me. The parts of me that I put on display. But it’s never the full me. I’m not dumb enough to show that. So if someone says they care about me…it’s automatic doubt that pops into my head. They can’t care because they only know the part of me that I’ve shown. It’s not his or her fault, it’s mine. 

I numb myself. Through work, alcohol, shopping, smiles and sex. I shutdown easily. No one would know it because I’m manipulative. I have a temper. It’s not as bad as it once was, but it’s still there. 

People tell me what I want to hear. I hate that. I believe I’m pretty strong, as do they from what I told. So why is it so hard for people to tell me the truth? Perhaps that’s why I’m single. I don’t want fake friends, fake relationships, fake fucks, fake anything. 

I can get really dark. Darker than pitch black, darker than a starless sky. I’m not looking to be saved. It’s impossible. All I can do is be the best mother I can be. 

I dispose of people so easily. I get obsessed…then one thing goes wrong and I’m over it. My best friend told me this and he’s right. But I don’t go backwards. Once I’m done, I’m done. No second chances, no talking about it, no giving it time. I treat myself this way as well. Is it healthy? I don’t know. But it’s all I know.

If I feel like I’m not getting attention..I start battling myself. My lack of confidence rears it’s ugly head and reminds me of all of my downfalls. I start doubting people around me, but only in my head. I obsess over it until I find another distraction. Yes I use people, but I tell them ahead of time. Always.

I tell men and women not to love me or fall in love with me. I know how savage I am. I don’t want to hurt anyone.