May 7th

May 7th. I chose that date for my wedding because the weather would be mild and because 7 is my favorite number. My ex husband’s birthday is May 9th. Today is May 6th. 

Have you ever wanted something to bad, that the anticipation seems unbearable? That you begin to think it won’t happen? That’s a little of what I felt about waiting about a year and a half of the wedding. Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing for yourself or if you were doing it for others because society says so? I felt that way too about the wedding. 

 May 7th. Without this day, our amazing daughter would not have been born. My life would not be filled with the joy of motherhood. I would not be an ex wife. I would not have learned about a part of me that I didn’t know I had. Carrie Underwood’s song “What I Never Knew I Always Wanted” expresses how I feel pretty well. 

May 7th. This day now brings tears to my eyes. My father passed away on this day on my first wedding anniversary. My father who didn’t have the chance to raise me. My father who didn’t have a chance to meet his granddaughter. My father who was so excited to come to Florida for the birth. My father who I loved so much. As I write this through my tears that flow steadily now, I hate how cruel life can be. 

My smile is his. My sarcasm is his. My alcoholism (though controlled) is his. My loyalty is his. I like to pretend that he is still alive and well in upstate N.Y. That he’s having a few beers and listening to Michael Jackson all night with his new girlfriend of the week. I like to think that he will go to bed tonight with Skittles under his pillow in case his blood sugar drops too low. I like to think that when I have a chance I’ll call him and he’ll answer the phone and say “Hi baby girl”. 

May. 7th. Because of this fucking day, none of the above will happen. 

May 9th. Lauralie’s father was born. He is the man that will be her leader and example of who a man should be. November 24th. Lauralie’s paternal grandfather was born on this day. He is another man who will be a leader and an example for her. August 12th. My father was born. I will teach Lauralie about the leader and man he was. He will be another example for her. Only difference is, he resides in heaven.