Forbidden Fruit

What do you do when you know right from wrong, yet you continue to indulge in the fruit? People always ask how can something so bad taste so good? Is it the feeling of your heart racing or the euphoria you feel while tasting it? Is it the feeling of being on a rollercoaster when you’re actually on land?

You know better. You’re smart. You practice what you preach (usually). So why is this situation different? 

As you start to pick the fruit, you don’t tell your friends because you feel guilty. But if you feel this way, then why are you doing it in the first place? Why do you dare to touch the fruit and gather it at all?

You’re already craving something you have yet to taste. You’re wondering how your palate will handle it. Will it be everything you imagined? Will this flavor be your new favorite? 

You keep trying to rationalize it to yourself. Play different scenarios through your mind. Thinking of different outcomes. Somehow you know what the end result is, because that’s the only result it can be. But you still choose to try the fruit anyway…..

Each text, snap, phone call is a little dose of the drug that I need to level me out. 

I’m scared because I know my body will betray me. My feelings and emotions are too intense. I’m already obsessing over it. I never want to say goodbye; but I know it has to be done. Just like our goodbyes in a few months. I don’t mind waiting weeks to finally see you, because I’m scared of saying goodbye in person. 

I have this abnormal desire of wanting to satisfy you however I can. That’s dangerous. But there’s nothing I can do for you. I’m on the other side of the country. You have this control over me that I have never experienced with anyone else in my life. I’m scared. You’re a drug that I forgot I loved and was addicted to over 10 years ago. Now it’s happening all over again. 

If I lived closer….it’d be game over. There would be pure reckless behavior taking place. I’m scared to trust you. But I know when I see you, I won’t want to let you go. But we’ll have no choice but to go back to our sober lives. Perhaps I won’t see you.

Do I use this time to prepare myself for the final goodbye? Or do I hope there’s a perfect solution that we have yet to discover?

I’m slowly accepting the fact that I don’t know as much about myself as I thought I did. I’ve literally blocked out years of my life trying to get over you and forget the bad times that we had. I overdosed on you, then quit cold turkey. I didn’t know that during that overdose, I began blocking out parts of myself along with major life events that have shaped me. Now what?

Published by Janee

I am a working mom and a writer. I love the sunshine and writing. When I’m not here, I’m on a fun adventure with my daughter! Find us on YouTube at Janee Murray!

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