These are a series of poems and gathered thoughts that I wrote as a teenager. They were in a black spiral notebook that I kept hidden for years. It’s amazing that I had it up until I was in my mid 20’s. Then for some reason (I can’t recall), I ripped a few pages out of it. I’m
unsure of where the rest of the notebook is. But I found those few pages within the past year.
My teenage years weren’t my favorite. My parents were extremely strict and my frustration showed. We didn’t have a good relationship. I did well in school. The only positives I felt the I had were my young sisters and my close friends.
I went through some very dark times. There were countless nights where I’d stay awake and literally cry for hours on end. Unfortunately, I did ponder suicide at times. I’d constantly wonder why I had to deal with molestation, fear and the feeling of being trapped.
There are so many teenagers and young kids that are having the same thoughts that I did. That is why I’m putting these words on display. To remind them that they are not alone. That they are not wrong for their feelings, but they need to find a way to get rid of them. They need to remind themselves that they are enough. That they will be OK, although that seems impossible. They need to know help is available. They need to know they are not crazy or weird and that their feelings are valid.
I want them to focus on their future. I want them to know that time heals. I want them to know that there are millions of people in the world and they don’t have to surround themselves with bullies or abusers. Lastly, I want them to know that there is life ahead of them and they need to make sure that they are here to live it and enjoy it.
Reading some of these writings (as an adult) that I wrote in regards to losing my virginity showed me my “all or nothing” side. I was actually surprised at how obsessed I was with losing my virginity in high school. But a lot of teenagers are that way. I was scared and intrigued at the same time. As a result, I wrote about the boys that were trying to pursue me. I ironically, I haven’t found a single writing about after the deed was finally done.
Don’t rush to lose your virginity. It’s something only you can control. So don’t give up that power too easily. Be safe and educate yourself. Be sure that you’re fully aware of the consequences that may occur after the deed is done.
I came across some writings that I wrote over a few months when I dated my first boyfriend. Like all teenage girls, I was obsessed with him. Literally. We were best friends. We’d sneak out of our houses in the middle of the night and hang out as long as we could. Sometimes I was exhausted, and he’d steal his parents car and come see me. We would sleep in my little sisters’ tree house until it was time to go get ready for school.
Sometimes, he wasn’t always the nicest to me. He could be angered easily. He had no problem yelling at me, hanging up on me or calling me out of my name. I loved him so much. I didn’t care. I’d apologize and beg for his forgiveness. I’d call him over and over until he answered. I didn’t realize I was practicing the behavior of my mother. But we were kids, so this has no weight on his character today. He was and still is a great person with a huge heart. He was just as misunderstood as I was. That’s what made our bond so strong because we truly understood each other.
He had grown up and grown out of those bad habits when we reconnected years later. I had grown up too, but I was still practicing my bad habits. I was still displaying my mother’s submissive, weak behavior that I had mistakingly learned to master. At that time, I was in the relationship described in the post “Toxic”. Ironically, I told him about the situation and he told me to leave that guy. But I didn’t listen. I was too far in.
Select the sub categories located under “Unpoetic Teenage Thoughts” to follow the journey with me back into parts of my teenage mind.
The Whitest Black Girl 