My Marriage

May 7, 2016. I love the number 7 although I’m unsure why since I’ve never been lucky. Go to college, meet a nice guy, get married and have kids. That’s what society says you’re supposed to do and I believed it. I knew I was unhappy for years and he was aware I was having second thoughts for weeks leading up to the wedding. I actually just realized we were together for about 7 years while proofing this. But he swore he was happy (although I couldn’t understand how) and that he’d improve on things that I wasn’t happy with. He sent roses to my job a week before the wedding and we went from there.

There was never any infidelity on either end (as far as I know). Looking back at it, he just wasn’t MY person. He was and still is a great guy. He has a huge heart, he’s social, works hard and is an amazing father.

We would have arguments weekly until it came to a point where I’d barely speak to him or acknowledge him although we lived in the same household. I didn’t run to the door to greet him or get excited when he was around. There was no affection or fun when we were around each other (which he hated and he had the right to). That was completely unfair to him. I felt that my needs weren’t being met. I always had to remind him of things and repeat myself. I felt like I had to manage him. The spark was gone. He didn’t come home and tell me to get dresses because he wanted to take me out. I planned trips for us and we went through the motions. We were literally roommates.

 The only thing we had in common was drinking. That realization came to me while I was pregnant. I felt alone during the pregnancy. But knowing that I had a life growing inside of me, I truly wasn’t alone. Unfortunately, he and I  are no longer together. But we have Lauralie and she’s everything.

I  can remember when we went to Panera Bread for lunch one morning (as a married couple) and we didn’t say one word to each other besides placing our order. I knew that wasn’t how a relationship should be with anyone. But that was common for us. When I became pregnant the first time, I ended up having a miscarriage. It was a bad time for us before that incident took place and I had decided that I’d ask for a divorce once things died down. We had planned the pregnancy and I was invested in something that I never thought I would be invested in before. I figured I’d have the courage to ask for a divorce before the new year since that hadn’t worked out unfortunately. I figured I’d be able to work up the courage to ask for a divorce before the new year since the miscarriage occurred right after my birthday in November.

I learned I was pregnant again the week of New Year’s. As a result, I put my thoughts of separating to the side because I felt that was the right thing to do. I went through my lonely pregnancy with hopes that things would improve. They didn’t. We still argued and hardly talked. Despite everything, he was excited to be a father and I loved seeing him light up when he talked about it.  I knew he’d be a perfect father and a great influence.

Our amazing  daughter was born 9/13/2017. He is the best dad ever and I will always love him for that. Having her gave me the courage to ask to separate. I believed that it wouldn’t be fair for her to grow up in a household where her parents barely spoke to each other because we had nothing to say. It would not be fair for her to see her parents arguing more often that not. It would not be fair for her to see her parents unhappy, when everyone should be happy. I do believe that we are both great people. We just aren’t meant to be together. We are not the best version of ourselves when we are together. Without the marriage, she would not have been born because I never had a desire for children. Everything happens for a reason. Lauralie is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. So I am grateful for union on May 7, 2016 and I want to thank him for that.

Published by Janee

I am a working mom and a writer. I love the sunshine and writing. When I’m not here, I’m on a fun adventure with my daughter! Find us on YouTube at Janee Murray!

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